HERE & THERE;The Curse of being an immigrant

I have been blessed with many curses in my life, not the least of which is being an immigrant ..I am always being torn between my american side and pakistani side, these contradictory parts battle endlessly, clash constantly, never coming to a satisfactory conclusion.Its like my identity is forever fragmented between two parts….like my story is interrupted in an american chapter and a Pakistani chapter

In my earlier immigrant days,I wanted to identify with only my american half.I wanted to special, and I couldnot imgaine how to be a pakistani woman and keep any sense of individuality.Pakistani culture was all consuming, allowing no room for dissent and individual expression.To be a true Pkaistnai woman and to fit in , you must conform to what is expected of her.Washington offers the greatest of gifts, anonymity.Pakistan offered no refuge from unwavering gazes, no respite from prenicious tongues.

But only recently have I begun to realize that my american exterior is only skin deep, it covers a desi soul….my heart remains there.To survive here, I must constantly hack of a part of myself..chop ..chop ..chop!

I shuffle ad nauseaum between the need to assert my individuality and the need to belong to my clan,being terrified of loneliness and also terrorized of losing myself.

I feel constantly confused, tugged on by both worlds.I donot feel part of any world anymore…I am a stranger in both of them.There will be always be a there and here.But I can no longer figure out what” here” for me is.When I am in Pakistan, home is america.When I am in America, home is Pakistan.Home is never where I am, but where I am not.

I want to learn how to float between two worlds someday.I want to be the bridge.